Thursday, February 22, 2007

Today when we got home from work, Shawn went to pick up the mail. When he walked in he handed me the envelopes and braced himself for what was to follow. I saw amongst all the letters one from the provinical government addressed to me. I knew immediately what it was. It was my mom's official death certificate from the government.

The moment I saw it it was as if I lost her all over again. The grief just came and sucked the life out of me. I started crying as like I did when the nurse came out and told me they had done everything they could for her. Just knowing that it really is official now was more than I could take. All Shawn could do was sit beside me and hold me. There have only been a handful of days that I have not cried for my mom. I get so mad that she was taken away from me. Just as I needed her the most, just as she was preparing to welcome her granddaughter she was gone.

I've been told by others that my mom's in heaven now and that I'll see her again. The fact of the matter is that this really isn't any consolation to me. I want her here beside me, telling me stories about her childhood in Spain, what she did during the day, what Lucas had said to her on the phone, anything really just so long as she were here. I miss her so much.

17 comments:

Mark & Michelle said...

Dolores - I just don't know what to say...

It does suck and it isn't fair and it is going to take a long time...

You know where I am if you need me.

redmaryjanes said...

Oh, I am so sorry. My mother has been gone for 22 years now. I was 16 when she died.
I know what you are saying about peoples comments and they do mean well.
It's just a loss that you never recover from. I'm so sorry.

Stacy said...

I am so sorry for you loss.

jaj said...

I am so sorry.

Kathy and Joel said...

Dolores,
It is with such sadness that I write this comment to you. I am so very sorry that you feel so consumed by your grief right now. It's perfectly okay to feel as sad as you do and as angry as I'm sure you must feel. GIve yourself the permission to do whatever you need to do to feel whole again. I am thinking of you every single day.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going thorough. I just wish I could just do something or say something to take all your grief and pain away. Like Kathy said you just have to give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

Sending you hugs sweet girl.

Lisa

Jill and Jaap said...

I am so sorry.

Thinking of you.

PromiseKeepersDaughter said...

oh you poor sweet girl. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. I lost my Daddy when I was 6 and I don't mind crying for him still, it helps me deal with it.

Steffie B. said...

I just found your blog, although I see your name on several of the ones I view as well. I am so sorry for your loss.

kris said...

I know. I know. I feel your grief, for it is also mine.
I pray for our peace.
Kris

Kristine and Shawn said...

Having a little cry with you as I read this. Hold onto those stories and share them with your daughter - they are so precious. Big hugs - wish I could give you one in person but I will be thinking of you.

Mark & Terri said...

Dolores,
Sorry just doesn't cover it. I am happy that you had a parent in your life that could evoke so much loving emotion. What wonderful memories you must have.
Hugs(((()))))
Terri & Mark

Wicked Witch said...

Virtual hugs sent your way.

Michelle said...

I know exactly what you are feeling. My Mom died ten years ago. I miss her every day. I HATED when people said things like "She's in a better place now", or "You'll see her again someday". I KNOW these things. But I want her HERE. I want her to see her granddaughter. I want to go shopping with her. I want to call her on the phone when I can't figure out what ingredients go into a recipe I am trying to cook. I just miss having her here. Nothing will make that go away. I can tell you though, that time does make the pain ease a little. There are still days that suck(like the date she died, her birthday, Mother's Day), but as each year goes by the pain gets a little better. I hope it does so for you. I am very sorry.

tracy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 5 years ago and started bawling at a wedding last weekend during the bride/daddy dance.... the grief will just hit me when I least expect it and there is nothing anyone can say. I am truly sorry for you.

Doris & Dan said...

Do what you need to. Grieve and be angry. It isn't fair. I am sorry for your loss.

Tara said...

We are sorry for your loss too.