Today when we got home from work, Shawn went to pick up the mail. When he walked in he handed me the envelopes and braced himself for what was to follow. I saw amongst all the letters one from the provinical government addressed to me. I knew immediately what it was. It was my mom's official death certificate from the government.
The moment I saw it it was as if I lost her all over again. The grief just came and sucked the life out of me. I started crying as like I did when the nurse came out and told me they had done everything they could for her. Just knowing that it really is official now was more than I could take. All Shawn could do was sit beside me and hold me. There have only been a handful of days that I have not cried for my mom. I get so mad that she was taken away from me. Just as I needed her the most, just as she was preparing to welcome her granddaughter she was gone.
I've been told by others that my mom's in heaven now and that I'll see her again. The fact of the matter is that this really isn't any consolation to me. I want her here beside me, telling me stories about her childhood in Spain, what she did during the day, what Lucas had said to her on the phone, anything really just so long as she were here. I miss her so much.