On the Outside

Many of you know the crisis Shawn and I went through last summer.  During this time, someone asked me if it was difficult to be around children.  My response, it's not difficult being around children.  It's difficult being around the adults that belong to those children.  As someone who doesn't have children, I've come to realize that in social gatherings I am on the outside and I will always be on the outside.  Not Shawn, just me.

Let me explain what I mean.  From my observations when there's a gathering of any sort, people will always talk about things they have in common.  For guys, it seems to be about cars, BBQ's and sports.  For women, it's about children.  I imagine it's a pride thing.  I can understand that.  But that means I can't participate in any part of the conversation.  That means I'm invisible.  That means I'm irrelevant. 

Maybe one day I'll be on the other side, I won't be looking in anymore.  I will welcome that day with open arms but I hope I never forget what it's like to be on the outside.

"It's not the same"

I've been thinking about whether I should post this or not for a long time, like over a year long time. I only ever told Shawn about the what happened and he didn't know what to say. I've been revisiting this situation in my head and I think I handled the situation correctly but I'm wondering about what someone else would've said.

I was talking to someone who had always been very supportive of our adoption about a friend of mine that I had reconnected with. I mentioned that this friend had had a little girl in the years we were not in touch. Her daughter is now about 6 or 7 years old.She was not with the father of her child but was engaged to another man. I told this person how my friend was telling me how well this man treats her and her daughter, that he treats her daughter as if she was his child.

This person gave me a skeptical look and said, "Hmmm, it's not the same." I in turn said "Well, what's the difference between this situation and someone who is adopting?" The person then retracted and said "You're right, I hadn't thought about it that way." We left it at that and didn't bring it up again.

I couldn't believe those words came out of this person's mouth. Like I said, this person has always been very supportive of our adoption so I was floored when I heard that. To me there is no difference between someone adopting a child and someone who becomes a parent because their partner has a child. As a result of this comment, I started thinking, will people always view our family as "not the same"? Will we be viewed as the parents who love our child but not the same since we aren't connected genetically to our child? Now, if a comment like that came from a stranger, I wouldn't have given it a second thought but this comment came from someone I really trust and care for.

I'd like to hear others thoughts on this.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is a day for awareness that I didn't know about. A day set aside for those who've lost their children through miscarriage, SIDS, stillbirths and other causes. I don't know if this is wrong to say but I'm happy that the pain of miscarriage is being acknowledged. Many people quickly dismiss the feelings of those who've miscarried because they never got to know their child or because this is natures way of correcting a "mistake".

When Shawn and I decided to start a family almost seven years ago (I can't believe it's been that long), we were really excited as most couples are. I went to my doctor to find out what I could do to make sure our baby would be healthy. He told me to start taking folic acid, stay healthy, get lots of rest, etc. There was no reason for us not to conceive within the next 3-6 months. I didn't worry at all during this time when month after month nothing. After six months of trying, I started to get concerned? Why wasn't it happening for us? We were young, healthy, not overly stressed.

After a year of trying I went back to my doctor who referred us to a specialist, the first of three. We waited six weeks to see him. After a quick examination we found that with some medication and monitoring there was no reason (again) why we couldn't conceive. We got excited again, this was it! We would have to go through further testing though, just in case. Wouldn't you know it, we got just in case. We had to go see the second specialist, this one took two months to get it. After six months of visits, there was nothing they could do for us. We knew what the issue was but there was no way to make it better. On to specialist number three, the IVF specialist. For this one we waited almost four months to see.

More tests, more probing, more examinations. Our results showed us that we could try IVF and possibly have a pregancy. We got the news the day before our fourth anniversary. We were excited once again. Our one chance to become parents. I started with the meds, first the birth control pills (oh the irony!), then the Lupron injections. The first time that I had to give myself the injection I swear I stared at the needle for about five minutes before working up the guts to inject myself. After the first time it became a breeze. After that, came the Gonal-F, the stimulants. Two needles a day. I thought I was going crazy while on the Gonal-F. Between my hormones going crazy and the lack of sleep from waking up at five AM to get to the clinic downtown, I'm not sure how I survived and how Shawn survived me. He was always at the brunt of my emtional outbreaks.

Finally the day came for the egg retrieval. I produced a lot, to the point of almost overstimulating. The next day we got a call that we had embryos. I cried, it was working. Two days after that we had two embroys implanted. Two weeks later it was obvious it didn't work. We were devastated. I didn't stop crying for weeks.

Still, we perservered. We had frozen embryos and we would try again. We went in a couple of months later, we wanted to give my body a chance to recoup from the original proccess. As I was lying on the table, the doctor came to tell us that the cell count wasn't good. Some of the cells had died before they had a chance to implant but they were going to try anyway. As I was lying on the table with the doctor implanting my embryos, I was in tears. They told me to look at the flash on the ultrasound screen, the moment they implanted the embryos. I couldn't do it. It was a very quiet car ride home. I stayed home those two weeks, to better our chances of it taking. Two weeks later, I went again for a pregnancy test, fully expecting to get a call saying it didn't work. On December 11, 2004, I got the call from the doctor, it worked, we were pregnant. I cried, I was shaking, this was it! Finally! I quickly called Shawn to tell him the news. He was thrilled beyond belief.

I went in again and again and again for bloodwork, to make sure that my beta levels were rising. While they were going up, they weren't going up quite as high as was the norm. We were in panic mode. We couldn't have come so far to have it taken away could we? On December 26, 2004 we went to get our ultrasound. And I saw the most magical blip in the world, our baby had a heartbeat. My baby was a survivour we were going to be okay. I was over the moon when I found out that the baby was due around my birthday. The best gift ever.

We went in every week for an ultrasound. We found out the sac was a bit small, a cause for concern. On January 17, 2005 we went in for our ultrasound. The technician did her part and then told me to get dressed. I turned to Shawn and told him something was wrong. They always informed us of the heartrate and told us to look for it. The doctor confirmed our worst fears, our baby's heart had stopped. I felt like someone had just torn my heart out. It was possible to come so close and have everything taken away. I stopped taking my meds. We went back to the clinic two days later, I started to bleed. I knew in my heart then it was over. I'm thankful for the doctor we had, she offered to do a D&C at the clinic. We took her up on it. Actually, Shawn made the decision for me, I couldn't even think straight.

They did a chromosome test on the baby, we found out that our baby was a girl. I gave her a name, she desereved one. It's her name, no matter what comes our way, it will always be her name.

I was a mess for weeks. I got really sick twice in less than a month after that. My immune system was in the toilet and any bug that could attack took advantage. We got flowers from friends and I remember crying saying they were suppose to be flowers of congratulations, not condolences.

But we survived and continued living. We will continue to live, because that's all we can do, and that is the best way to remember and honour our angel baby.