Saturday, May 12, 2007

Mother's Day

I don't even know how to start this. If you want a happy post, skip this one cuz it's not going to happen today. I am sitting here, 30 minutes until Mother's Day. This year, I am neither a mother nor do I have a mother. I want to skip the day. I don't want to acknowledge the day, I don't want a day to remind me of what I don't have and what I've lost. It's been six long months since I lost my mom and it still hurts just as much as if it happened yesterday. I don't want a day where I get comments from people telling me how they would like to wish me a happy Mother's Day but can't (yes, I've had people say that to me). I have what's left of my family upstairs (sister, bil, nephew, brother and of course Shawn) but I still feel so alone.

I'd done a pretty good job of avoiding the whole situation until Wednesday when I walked into a card shop and saw everyone lining up to purchase the special card for mom. I called Shawn from work and I just cried and cried. Now I sit here, crying yet again as I remember the wonderful woman I have the honour of calling mom and missing her in a way I never thought possible. A girl always needs her mom, no matter how old she is. I will be going to the cemetary tomorrow. Definatley not how I thought I'd be spending it. I wish my mom was here, at least then I could celebrate with her.


Jill and Jaap said...

Thinking of you. It is going to be a very difficult day.
While there will be lots of tears, please spend some time thinking of really good and happy times with your mom.

You know she would want that.

Stacy said...


Know that I am thinking of you.

Mark & Michelle said...

I wish I could do or say something that would help - even a little bit.

You are a wonderful woman and I can't even begin to imagine how difficult today is going to be.

Do what you need to do - I am thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie. I can't believe someone would say that to you, how insensitive can you get?

Thoughts for you today.

Lisa said...

Dolores I wish I could say or do something to ease your pain. I know that it's impossible right now but please know that I'm hugging you and holding you in my heart. Do what you have to do to get through this and know that we're all for you when you need.

Love you.

Tracey & Mike said...

I understand.

Anonymous said...

Your mother is there with you. I just know. She loves you, as I do. And she will feel your love across the universe.

Andrew & Stephanie said...

I can understand your pain to a degree and I can only hope that you are embraced by loving and wonderful memories of her as your visit her on Mother's day. Please accept my huge cyber hug!! Hang in there.

Cari said...

Thinking of you today -- sending a virtual hug

Kristine and Shawn said...

You have been on my mind today. I wondered how you were holding up. Let your Shawn give you tons of huggles today!! Big HUGE hugs and a big HUGE shoulder to cry on (well, I think it is anyway!!).

Lisa and Shane said...

Yes a hard, hard day for many of us.


jaj said...

Sending cyber-hugs to you.

I wish you peace on this day. And it's okay to pretend Mother's Day doesn't even exist this year.

Mrs. Vandertramp said...

Big hugs.


Laura said...

Hugs to you! It must be so hard to go through your first Mother's Day without your mom.

Some day your daughter will tell you all about how much she loves her grandma and misses her. She might even tell you things her grandma taught her even though you know they never met. My older daughter tells me all these things about her grandpa who I know she never met except maybe in her dreams. I hope that happens for you, too, and it may somehow make the future a little easier.

Hugs again to you, Dolores.

mom to Jessica & Anna
LID 11/22/06

Doris & Dan said...

It is terribly hard day to get thru and all the smiley and happy, happy just makes the sadness that more painful. I wish I could ease your pain. Take comfort with your loved ones. Take each moment as it comes. HUGS!!

Keep smilin!

Janet said...

Oh, Dolores, I don't know how much you ache right now. I'm so sorry. I can totally understand why you would want to skip the day entirely. I'm so sorry.

LadyBug Journals said...

Gosh, what a tough day for you.
I understand as I lost my Mom 4 years ago and still miss her so very much.
Just believe that she is with you now and when you finally have that baby in your arms.

Steffie B. said...

Big hugs to you.......I hope someday it will be a little less painful and your heart will be a little more at peace.

Michael & Tammy said...

I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts on this very hard day. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you.

Roy and Lori said...

Just wanted you to know that we
are thinking of you !!!!!!

Take Care!

Michelle said...

Mother's Day is a horrific day for those of us who have lost our Mothers and do not yet have children home with us. I'm sorry you have to through this, but know that you aren't alone.

kris said...

Oh woman... how intimately I know your pain, and felt the exact same things (I'm sure you read my Mom's Day thing- if not, I posted on the 11th I was so dreading the weekend).

My heart aches for you.

There are no words to comfort you. Just know that I'm holding you close in my thoughts and I think, if you sit quietly long enough, you'll sense her with you. She is part of everything that you are. Her love beats in YOUR heart. And one day, that same love will be poured out on your child.