Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Overwhelmed

I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed by the amount of support I received over the past couple of days. I cried as I read every post and email. Thank you so much!

Like many of my fellow bloggers, I sometimes feel the need to censor myself just in case the wrong people are reading my blog. I didn't want to post about certain things in my life just in case. After much thought, I think it's ok to go ahead and post about some of the frustrations I've been feeling because, the people I worried about aren't worth worrying about anymore.

One of the biggest frustrations in my life recently has been work. The past couple of years have been tough. We got a new management team and ever since then it's been downhill. The axe has been falling left, right and centre. I thought I was safe but last year, just after Shawn and I decided to start our adoption process I was told that my position was being axed but there was another position that was opening up so I could take that one or I could be out the door. After talking to Shawn, I decided to take the job even though it was a lower level than the one I had because it was a job that would pay the bills until we got the baby. At the time of course, we were still under the impression the whole process was going to be quick.

I went over and things went well. Then my manager decided to take early retirement. In the great wisdom that our management team has, rather than try to find someone who is experienced and knows how to be a manager they decided to hire someone right out of school with no management experience and no people experience. It's been nothing short of an excruciating experience with her. I won't go into detail here, I don't want my stomach to get into knots over this while I'm at home. Let me just say, it's been really bad and of course I'm the one with the problem, even though I've worked with two other managers at the same organization and never had a problem with either of them.

I'm really mad at myself more than anything. I let her get to me and that makes me upset at myself. I try to tell myself that it's just a job, just a paycheck, but my personality isn't like that. When I see things that aren't right, I get very upset. I'm working on it though, I will try to not let work get to me like that again. It's just a job, it's not my real life.

This past weekend as well marked the 9 month anniversary since my mom passed away. I haven't been able to handle it very well. God I miss her so much. I wish she was here to hold my hand.

20 comments:

PromiseKeepersDaughter said...

Wow gurl you have a lot bottled up there don't you. I bet it felt good to let it out. Go ahead anyone who doesn't like it isn't looking out for your best intrest at heart. So blog away you'll feel better when you hear that someone understands.
((((((Big Velcro Hugs)))))

kris said...

You are an incredible, strong person. I know it's hard, but you'll get through this.

Be still with the pain of losing your mom. Pain + Resistance= Suffering. Don't resist it. Let it come. When we stop resisting, peace comes to us. It took me years to figure this out. The pain of missing my mom is still tangible, even after a year- but now I cherish the pain and let it come to me, because it reminds me of the depth of my love for her.

And talk to her. She'll hear you. She lives inside of you, right inside your heart.

Doris & Dan said...

Girl, we are cut from the same stone. We have talked about our job situations and I totally feel the same way. You are too good to just treat it as a job. You take pride in what you do and who you are. That is what makes it crappy. You care too much. It is an admirable quality.

I wish I could hug you and ease some of your grief. Tell Shawn to give you a big hug for me. I will do it in person in September.

I am always here. You have all addresses.

Keep smilin!

tracy said...

I'm so sorry you are having such difficulty at work. Also, I know how hard it is losing a parent and I'm with Kris's comments on this one. Let it come and absorb the pain, it really can be healing.
Thinking about you.
xoxoxo

Steffie B. said...

Thinking about you and hoping you can heal....

Kathy and Joel said...

Dolores,
You loved.

Life is too short (and I know you know this) to exist in a miserable situation. I hate to see you going through this, as I know you have been feeling this way for far too long.

I know that you feel as though you have not handled things well with regard to your mom, but sweet girl, you are so strong. The fact that you get up every day and go to work, get together with your friends, blog about your fears and anxieties, and accept our support is HUGE. And, Dolores, it is okay to feel weak and to feel sad. As Kris said, let it come.
We are here for you. :)

Tracey & Mike said...

Sorry work is so difficult for you right now. I know how trapped that can make you feel.
I so understand what you are going through with your mother. I think to a great extent I'm still in denial about mine being gone. I don't think I'll ever stop missing her. I'm thinking of you and sending you big HUGS!

Kristine and Shawn said...

I had a similar experience at work and I know how it can be so destructive to everything in your life. It is tough to get up and go into that minefield everyday!!! I was also blamed even though I have no issues with ANYONE else!! On the up side, I am still at my job and she was fired a year ago. She had taken credit for all of my work so she was promoted and then her true colours came out! You are right, it is just a job!!
I don't know anyone who would handle losing their mother well!! Do what you need to do to get through the day... sending big hugs!!!

Lisa and Shane said...

Dolores so sorry to hear you're having a rough time at the moment. I had a similar situation at work last year. It was awful and affected me very badly... I hope you can find a resolution. It's OK to feel sad and miss your Mum. Look after yourself. xxx

Miss Cleo said...

They always say, "it is only a job" but we have to spend so much of our lives in that job that it is hard to separate yourself from the work and from the people. I am sorry it sucks. You could take another job if one comes up. Or you just sit back and imagine them all with small body parts and laugh to yourself.

Again, sorry about your mom not being here.

Stacy said...

Dolores,

I'm so sorry things at work are so tough. I wish I had words of wisdom. All I can say is I'm here to support you 100%!

*HUGS* my friend. I hope things ease up some soon.

Janet said...

Dolores,

I am SO sorry to hear of your situation at work, it sounds horrible. I can not IMAGINE living with that kind of stress every day. I really hope things turn around for the better for you. My husband actually got a new job fairly recently because his supervisor was just ridiculously power hungry and he was going nuts!

I am sorry your mom isn't here for you. I know you miss her, I would feel the same way about my mom. You can get through this, sweetie. You are strong. Lean on your family- they are here for you. Lean on your friends, we will listen to you.

Rosie said...

Sorry to hear you've been having a rough time.
Please pass on the Dove of Peace..details on my blog.Journey to Marissa..thank you and hugs.

C.J. said...

I can't say it any better than Kris did.

Steffie B. said...

It "will happen"....don't worry! ;)

Salome's Mom said...

Your Mom will always be with you. About your job, just think of it as that--a job. They are convenient to you for the time being and you are convinient to them for the time being. Do not invest anymore personal feeling into it. They can't hurt you unless you let them.

Sending you a BIG cyber hug. One day at a time my friend.

A Special Family said...

I am crying reading your post. BIG HUG! I can totally understand how the work situation is getting to you, ditto only my new manager is ready for retirement and does NOTHING but bark orders...
You have obviously had a tough year with loosing your mom too. You need to relax and do something for you. Could the two of you book a couple nights in a hotel, just the two of you?
I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.
BIG HUGS

Donna Paonessa said...

Everyone has said what I wanted to say, so I won't repeat it again. Hang in there!!! Time heals (or helps make it bearable anyways).

Isn't there anyone higher up you can talk to about your work situation??

Hugs.

Jill and Jaap said...

It is in these times when you are going through something, that you will miss her most. I echo everyone else's sentiments. Talk to your mom, think of her, she will bring you comfort.

We are here for you Dolores. Big hug!

Mark & Terri said...

I've been away from bloggy world for a while. I'm so sorry about your situation at work and can commiserate. Been there with, it seems, the same boss. Looks like you are taking the best attitude about it. Hang in there!