Saturday, January 26, 2008

Facing the door

Many of you know that my mom lived with Shawn and I. She wasn't in the best health and we didn't want her to be alone, just in case. Since she passed away, I've had the door to her room shut with everything as she left it. I just didn't have the courage to go in and move things out of her space. I knew it was something that had to be done but I kept putting it off. I'm not a brave person.

Now that Shawn and I are moving, I've had to open the door and go in. I did it while Shawn was out, that was a mistake. I went in and looked at how she left everything. I saw her glasses, her Spanish Reader's Digest, her pictures, a receipt from the day before she passed away and the blanket she had knitted for the baby. I lost it. I started crying and asking my mom for forgiveness, for not being able to help her that day and for going into her private space and taking her things out. I remembered the Saturday mornings we would spend there just chatting. I remembered the paramedics hooking her up to all their machines. I still can't believe how much it hurts. Then I screamed until I exhausted myself. (It's a good thing it's winter and all the windows are closed, otherwise I'm sure somebody would've called the police.)

We've since left the door open since we've had people coming to look at the house. I'm able now to look in and walk in without falling apart. It's still going to be hard to go in and clean out her room. But at least I can now look in. And I can think of my mom and smile.

22 comments:

Cari said...

Wow. Sounds brutal, but was probably very therapeutic. So sorry you're in so much pain, but I'm glad you were brave enough to face the door.

Cari

Mark & Michelle said...

OMG - I can't imagine how difficult that would have been for you.

YOU ARE A BRAVE PERSON!! 100%

Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own time line. Don't let anyone tell you any different!

MotherMotherOcean said...

I had a feeling this was coming up. I am sorry you had to face it but I am so glad you did. This is part of your life's path.

Two Kayaks said...

Dolores,

Firstly, you are an amazingly brave woman; family issues, infertility, loss of what could have been, your mom's passing and this adoption have made you into this beautifully strong person.
Secondly, I think the fact that you confronted your mom's room without anyone around might have been the best thing for you. You were able to let out, without abandon, the rage and sadness you felt without fear of judgment and without worrying anyone about those raw emotions.
Lastly, your mom can't be anything but incredibly proud of how you are handling your life and the steps you are taking to live it fully. You are inspirational.

Rhonda said...

I can't imagine what that was like. I'm sorry it was so very painful.

jaj said...

One step at a time, sweetie...one step at a time.

Doris & Dan said...

You inspire me. You make me realize that I have strength. Because if you can face this heartbreaking task, then I can face my devils. I am so sorry that you have to go thru this. It is part of the process but it still is hell that you have to go thru it. I wish I could be there to help.

Know that we are supporting and caring for you both.

Keep smilin!

kerri said...

What a hard thing to do, I'm sorry for your pain.
Sorry the flood gates opened and all those painful memories came pouring out.
Hugs to you.

Juliette said...

Sorry you had to go through this painful experience. I guess it is part of the mourning process.
Glad you can face it now and you get ready for your new phase in life. I am sure your Mom is very proud of you.

Michelle said...

Two weeks after my Mom died, my Dad asked me to clean out her closet because he just couldn't look at her clothes anymore. I went alone, and no one else was home. It was one of the worst days of my life. Harder than even the day she died or her funeral. I'm sorry you had to face a similar situation. It does get easier, with each passing day. It never goes away completely(it's been eleven years), but the pain does fade, a tiny bit each day.

ilovelilacs said...

Oh Dolores, I just want to give you a huge hug.

krj said...

I don't know why, but I smiled inside, feeling so glad that you crossed that threshold and embraced what was behind that door. That's the real beginning of healing.

How I wish you and I could spend an afternoon together, celebrating our moms. I am sending you a huge hug. You're an amazing person, full of strength. And I'm betting you get that from her.

Stacy said...

Big HUG!

Catherine said...

((hugs)) friend. What a tough, tough thing for do but glad you were able to face it when you were ready and that you also knew it was ok to express all of the emotions you were feeling.

Kristine and Shawn said...

It sounds like it was time, that your Mom was there helping you through that unbearable first step. My Grandma had her last fatal heart attack in my sister's room, with the paramedics etc etc. The pain is overwhelming and it is great that you were able to scream it out!! So cathartic. I sometimes do that on a windy day when I am alone down by the Ocean... Glad to hear that you are thinking of your Mom with a smile!!

redmaryjanes said...

My Mom died in a car accident and I have the purse that was with her. Everything is still in just the way she had it. Coupons that are 23 years old are still in the wallet. I understand what you are saying. It's so hard.
I had the pajamas that she wore the night before she died and a piece of them will be a square on Sophia's 100 wishes quilt.
Hugs to you.

redmaryjanes said...
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Tracey & Mike said...

You are so brave for facing this on your own. I know how tough it is.

This post led me to read your last post ... holy cow! Congratulations, sort of... :(
I'm sorry that we won't get to hang out with you and Shawn again. I am happy for you guys though - it will be so great for you to be close to your sister.

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Hang in there... trust me... it gets easier over time... but you will never forget the cherished memories... I learnt this through my dad dying when I was younger... hugs to ya...

i-Con said...

I feel for you...I'm thinking of you.

I can only imagine right now how hard that must be. Just thinking about it takes me breath from me.

Hugs. Your mom is still with you and loving you!

secret agent said...

hug!
I'm proud of you

Yoli said...

That took guts to confront alone. I admire you for it, it must not have been easy. Your Mom would be very proud of you. She would also be feeling so much happier now that you can look in, think of her and smile.

Hugs,
Yoli