Thursday, June 21, 2007

Roadblocks

I never thought that the road to parenthood would be so difficult. If someone had asked me 6 years ago how I envisioned our lives today, this wouldn't have even been on the radar. I thought that we would've been done having our two children by now, I should be returning to work now from maternity leave with number 2. But here we sit, still waiting for number one.

We've been dealing with our infertility for a long time. A very long time. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime. Especially with every announcement of a pregnancy. As happy as we are for everyone, it still feels like a kick in the stomach sometimes. Especially when you hear someone who's suppose to have your back say how you're jealous of them (yes, we have had a family member say that about us, me in particular. Supportive huh?). There was a long period of time where I felt that our infertility was a sign that we weren't meant to be parents. There were lots of tears, lots of soul searching lots of "What do we do now?". Roadblock #1.

We came to terms with our infertility and decided we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to be pregnant. We looked at our options and decided that we would pursue an international adoption for various reasons. We were worried about pursuing a domestic adoption because of the lack of available children, the fact that the birth parents could change their mind, the fact that we would be "competing" with other adoptive parents. Maybe it's selfish of us, but after so many years of disappointments and with our luck the birth parent would come back at the 11th hour and say "Forget it we changed our mind. " That would be devastating, I don't think I can handle that. Roadblock #2.

So that is why we went the international route. As we kept hearing from everyone around us "There are so many children that need a good home". So we did everything that was asked of us, we found our social worker, did our police checks, proved we were healthy, prove we could afford it, asked friends and family to help us prove that we're worthy of being parents. Then off went all our documentation to China with horrible stories of how the wait was going to increase to 1.5 years. But this wouldn't happen to us. We would be in the one year range. By the end of 2007 we would have our little girl.

In the past two weeks, we've heard the official word that the wait can increase to 3 years. Realistically at the rate they're going I wouldn't be surprised if it went up to 4 years. So now of course the whole questioning of oneself starts again, are we really meant to be parents, maybe this is a sign we aren't meant to be parents. Must...stop...thinking...like...that...we...are...worthy. Roadblock #3.

We also found out in the past two weeks that we are not allowed to pursue another international adoption while we wait for China. We can however pursue a domestic or US adoption (attention all of my American friends, you're not quite international despite the fact that we will soon need a passport to visit). When I questioned the government on the reasoning explaining to them that it could take just as long to do a domestic as international and they're logic doesn't make sense all I get is "That's the policy". Roadblock #4.

I called CAS to see if we have any options there. I was informed that our homestudy is not good enough, we need a SAFE homestudy (whatever that is). Then we have to take classes and CAS is the only place that offers it and there's a six month waiting period to get in. Roadblock #5.

We've looked into a couple of agencies in the US too. They won't deal with Canadians because they don't have Hague accreditation. Roadblock #6.

So here we are, petitioning the government to see if they will change their policy but who knows how long that will take or if anything will even get done. As I mentioned earlier, we often heard that there are so many children in the world that need a home. My comment to that is where the hell are they? We are ready for a family but because of bureaucracy it's not happening. Stupid bureaucracy. Don't get me wrong, I get why these measures are in place. Sometimes though it just feels like overkill.

I'm tired of waiting for what should come naturally, I'm tired of bureaucracy that's there to protect children but right now feels more along the lines of keeping them so somebody can have a job, I'm tired of baby showers for other people, I'm tired of people asking "What's going on with the adoption?", I'm just tired. I wish I had some definitive answers, like everyone else. I really wish these roadblocks would just go away.

Sorry for the rambling post. I'm just really fed up with the whole situation right now.

22 comments:

Kristine and Shawn said...

You will hear this alot in this community but you just told my story too... feel for you and here in BC we can't even do a Canadian/US concurrent adoption. So we wait and wait and wait and cry and get frustrated and wait and wait and laugh and live and cry and wait... We are meant to be parents and I would like to know where the children who need homes are too...

Mark & Michelle said...

Ramble away!! You are putting in to words what many of us are thinking.

I too question if this was a sign that we were not meant to be parents. I question if we/I are being punished for something that we did in the past.

I know we ARE going to be parents...the wait SUCKS!

We are ready to jump on your bandwagon to try and make a change and a difference. Just tell us when and where and we will be there!

Kathy and Joel said...

You are speaking exactly what we have been thinking. We have looked at all the options as well, have been to the meetings, have made the phone calls only to be told that we have to spend more money, take more classes, file more paperwork, yadda yadda yadda. I had a HUGE meltdown last night with my parents and feel as though we are being punished for something. Now I am rambling...thank you for being brave enough to post this tonight. You are not alone.

Janet said...

HOw awful! I am SO sorry! I completely get the whole domestic adoption thing, and the risk of being turned down last minute. Too devastating and NOT AT ALL SELFISH!
I know what you mean about wondering if this is meant to be after all. I mean, why is it this hard? I truly hope it speeds up so that you, and me, and all the other moms and dads out there can bring their little ones home SOONER rather than later. Praying for you, girl!

amy said...

I appreciate your honesty. We have felt a lot of those things. there are hundreds of us questioning our decision to go with China and that makes me feel better sometimes. I so desire a child and I cant imagine God not granting me this desire!! Cant wait to read more of your blog..

Praying for you!!!

Stacy said...

I don't think this is a rambling post AT ALL. I could have written most of this myself. A week or so ago I was having many of the same feelings. The feeling of - maybe we are just not meant to be parents. It is really a hard feeling to overcome after being shot down time and time again.

I wish I knew wise words that would help. I have come to learn that no words really help. The best thing for me is knowing that there are people who 'get' how I am feeling about this entire process.

Hold On... We WILL be parents.

Miss Cleo said...

One day, you will be able to tell your daughter, "we fought and fought and did everything we could to get you." Maybe that is the lesson of this mess.

I wish we could find a place that will help you.

Donna Paonessa said...

You ARE worthy!! I hear exactly what you're saying and totoally empathize with every single feeling you have because I had them too. The process sucks sometimes. The system sucks too; big time. It needs an overhaul.

Hugs to all of you. I know this is a brutal time.

Donna

Lisa said...

You do deserve to be parents and you WILL be parents. Not just any parents but ones who loved their daughter before she was concieved. Parents who have held her in their hearts and haved jumped through too many to count hoops to prove they'll be awesome parents.
Thanks for being brave enough to write what everyone is feeling but could not put into words.
Sending you (((hugs))).

Love ya.

Doris & Dan said...

Girl, you took the words out of my head and heart and posted them! I feel the exact same way!!! I have to have faith that this is the hard road we must travel. It doesn't make it easier but we can only keep going forward. We all have these moments and I know how you feel about venting but we are here to listen and support you. One day, our girls will play together. Of that, I believe.

HUGS!!!!

Keep smilin!

redmaryjanes said...

My eyes are watering up! You are beautiful people. You deserve everything life has to offer! YOU DESERVE YOU DESERVE YOU DESERVE. I have 3 children and it is not because I am a better woman than any of you. Many of you, trust me are better women than me. Sometimes life just sucks. I am so sorry, I think of you all of the time. How hard it must be to wait with no child in your home. It isn't fair, but it certainly isn't because you are not wonderful. You are and you will be wonderful parents.

Cari said...

So many of us are there with you. Why isn't this happening? I do feel sometimes that the universe is conspiring against me, but today, I'm having a better day. I have faith that our kids will come home one day, although not as soon as we'd like them to (like NOW!!) We're all here for you, and all experiencing the same roadblocks as you - brutal.
Keep the faith -- but it ain't easy.
Cari

Headmeister said...

Oh girlfriend, I'm right there with ya, I feel your pain. Big hugs to you chica. And while (being in the US) I CAN pursue a second adoption while we wait for China, we can't afford to :( So I've had the question asked, "are you sorry you chose China over another country?" In a way, I think "what would have happened if we chose a different country - would we be parents already?" Then I think about how if we chose a different country instead of going with our hearts - which are in China - I'd always wonder if I had a child there waiting for me...

So sorry you're feeling this way. I know it too well. HUGS!

A Special Family said...

You are going to be parents, keep the faith. I worked for CAS and I know many people who did both. Try and get on the list for the next lot of classes. If you have any questions email me at
aspecialfamily AT yahoo DOT com

Jill and Jaap said...

You are not rambling! The way you have explained some things here...I feel like cutting and pasting it on our blog for our faily and friends!!!

C.J. said...

Let it on out - the frustrations can be so many and it can be so disheartening at times.

We're here to listen and understand as we travel the long road together.

I'm thinking of you and hoping a new day will bring you new hope.

kris said...

I feel the pain in this post and wish I could just come over, sit next to you and take your hand. Or give you a huge hug. I was really struck by "I'm tired of waiting for what should come naturally"- but I guess for some of us, it's a struggle and a challenge becoming parents. My hope is that once you DO (and YOU WILL) have your child in your arms, the years of labor will feel like true LABORS OF LOVE and be worth every minute.

In the meantime, though, we row this slow boat to China together friend. We will get there one day.

Nikki & Larry said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I can hear the pain in this post and it expresses how I feel some days. No one around me understands how I feel but you just summed up most of my bad days here. Please know that you are not alone in this journey. I hope you can find some peace in the days to come.

Smiles! :o)
Nikki - Thinking of you in NS
LID - 29/12/06

jaj said...

You ARE worthy to be parents and you WILL be parents one day...just not soon enough. I'm so sorry that you've had so many roadblocks. It isn't right. But WOW to be a part of such a great community that understands and supports each other.

Every day is one day closer to your dream, and it will be so worth it in the end!

Steffie B. said...

I wish I had the right words to comfort you.....I'm not sure there are any. What I can tell you is even though the wait is long right now, it is all worth it. You will have your baby girl home with you and you are meant to be parents. You already are in your heart....I'm sending you a big hug....and you vent your frustrations to us any time day or night!

Michael & Tammy said...

I can't even begin to tell you how your feelings are mine EXACTLY. I/we went through 8 years of infertility, 5 misscarriages, now what was suppose to be a 9 month wait is turning into 3 years (or more), I think I might be out of a job in a couple of weeks and I am sick of it all!! The ONLY comforting thing is that I have people like you all who have the same feelings - somehow it makes me feel not so alone!! Keep your head up - things have to get better!

Tammy

Tracey & Mike said...

Sorry I haven't checked in for a few days. And I'm sorry to hear you so down. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but everything's been said & by now it may all be starting to sound like "just words", so I'll send you a big hug instead. Feel better friend.