I never thought that the road to parenthood would be so difficult. If someone had asked me 6 years ago how I envisioned our lives today, this wouldn't have even been on the radar. I thought that we would've been done having our two children by now, I should be returning to work now from maternity leave with number 2. But here we sit, still waiting for number one.
We've been dealing with our infertility for a long time. A very long time. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime. Especially with every announcement of a pregnancy. As happy as we are for everyone, it still feels like a kick in the stomach sometimes. Especially when you hear someone who's suppose to have your back say how you're jealous of them (yes, we have had a family member say that about us, me in particular. Supportive huh?). There was a long period of time where I felt that our infertility was a sign that we weren't meant to be parents. There were lots of tears, lots of soul searching lots of "What do we do now?". Roadblock #1.
We came to terms with our infertility and decided we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to be pregnant. We looked at our options and decided that we would pursue an international adoption for various reasons. We were worried about pursuing a domestic adoption because of the lack of available children, the fact that the birth parents could change their mind, the fact that we would be "competing" with other adoptive parents. Maybe it's selfish of us, but after so many years of disappointments and with our luck the birth parent would come back at the 11th hour and say "Forget it we changed our mind. " That would be devastating, I don't think I can handle that. Roadblock #2.
So that is why we went the international route. As we kept hearing from everyone around us "There are so many children that need a good home". So we did everything that was asked of us, we found our social worker, did our police checks, proved we were healthy, prove we could afford it, asked friends and family to help us prove that we're worthy of being parents. Then off went all our documentation to China with horrible stories of how the wait was going to increase to 1.5 years. But this wouldn't happen to us. We would be in the one year range. By the end of 2007 we would have our little girl.
In the past two weeks, we've heard the official word that the wait can increase to 3 years. Realistically at the rate they're going I wouldn't be surprised if it went up to 4 years. So now of course the whole questioning of oneself starts again, are we really meant to be parents, maybe this is a sign we aren't meant to be parents. Must...stop...thinking...like...that...we...are...worthy. Roadblock #3.
We also found out in the past two weeks that we are not allowed to pursue another international adoption while we wait for China. We can however pursue a domestic or US adoption (attention all of my American friends, you're not quite international despite the fact that we will soon need a passport to visit). When I questioned the government on the reasoning explaining to them that it could take just as long to do a domestic as international and they're logic doesn't make sense all I get is "That's the policy". Roadblock #4.
I called CAS to see if we have any options there. I was informed that our homestudy is not good enough, we need a SAFE homestudy (whatever that is). Then we have to take classes and CAS is the only place that offers it and there's a six month waiting period to get in. Roadblock #5.
We've looked into a couple of agencies in the US too. They won't deal with Canadians because they don't have Hague accreditation. Roadblock #6.
So here we are, petitioning the government to see if they will change their policy but who knows how long that will take or if anything will even get done. As I mentioned earlier, we often heard that there are so many children in the world that need a home. My comment to that is where the hell are they? We are ready for a family but because of bureaucracy it's not happening. Stupid bureaucracy. Don't get me wrong, I get why these measures are in place. Sometimes though it just feels like overkill.
I'm tired of waiting for what should come naturally, I'm tired of bureaucracy that's there to protect children but right now feels more along the lines of keeping them so somebody can have a job, I'm tired of baby showers for other people, I'm tired of people asking "What's going on with the adoption?", I'm just tired. I wish I had some definitive answers, like everyone else. I really wish these roadblocks would just go away.
Sorry for the rambling post. I'm just really fed up with the whole situation right now.