Monday, October 29, 2007

One Year

One year ago today I lost my mom. It's been one year since I last saw her, touched her, talked to her, seen her smile, heard her laugh. I'm not sure how I've survived this year without her. I miss her so much. People have said that things get easier in time but I disagree. You just learn to deal with it and tuck it away but it's always there. Most days now I don't feel that wall of grief and despair I did a year ago and I don't have the meltdowns I use to but it still makes it's way out once in a while.

Shawn and I went to the cemetary yesterday and I brought some flowers for my mom, my grandma and my uncle. I didn't think I could handle going today. My mom loved her flowers, anybody who's been over to our house can attest to that. All the plants we have are because of her, she was the one with the green thumb.

I wish so much my mom was here. I wish I could tell her what we've been through and get her opinion and advise. She always had a level head, unlike me who usually flies off the handle. Last year I said over and over how I would give up everything I have to spend just 10 minutes with my mom. It's still true today, I would give up everything just to be able to tell my mom that I love her and to feel her arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

27 comments:

kerri said...

My heart hurts for your loss.
I'm sorry.

amy said...

Praying for you today

Laurie & Jamie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this. It's made me really think and appreciate my Mom more. Hugs.

Janet said...

Those "anniversary" days are really hard. I think it was about 5 years after my dad died that I finally could handle the day. I really hope you get there, too. It is SO hard. (Although for me, it was the day BEFORE "THE" day, that really was hard. It made me all queasy and sick to my stomach, knowing that the next day was it.) And that day did get better each year. I know it's hard to believe now, but your grief is so fresh. A year is not that long at all, when you lost your mom. Give yourself time. And permission to grieve.

BIG BIG BIG hugs to you,

Janet

kris said...

Oh my God. No no no no. I'm shaking I'm so freaked out reading this today. NO JOKE. I was sitting on the couch today... sitting there thinking of my post from yesterday, and I thought of YOU and thought- does Dolores feel it the same way I do, still, to this day? I wonder how she is.

I haven't even finished reading your post, I was so freaked that ON THIS DAY I felt totally connected to you.

This day was one of my hardest- almost harder than the actual day mom died. I am so so sorry, I know exactly what your heart is feeling today. I send you all my hugs, my thoughts, my prayers. Do something positive in memory of her. It will help, I promise, even if it's only lighting a candle...

Now I'm going to go actually read your post. I wish so much I had your actual address... email me if you don't mind sharing it. Link on my blog.

And take care of you. XO.

kris said...

ps. you still can, she'll hear you, even if your heart doesn't feel it or understand... she will.

talk to her.

god my heart is just breaking for you cuz I just know how hard this is...i wish i could take away even a little of your pain.

Cari said...

I'm so sorry. I don't think time is necessarily the answer, but I guess we learn to continue living, somehow.

Thanks for writing about this--I love how well you can express yourself about these things. It's helpful.

Cari

PaulaBrett said...

I so sorry that you hurt so bad. I wish I had the magical solution to make you feel better.

Take care


Paula

Kathy and Joel said...

Time doesn't heal and I can still feel your pain so viscerally now, Dolores. My hope for you, my sweet friend, is that you gather strength from the many, many people who love you. We are two of them.

Love you and thinking about you today.

Mark & Michelle said...

Oh Dolores, I can't even imagine what you must be going through today. I just can't.

I am thinking about you and I am here - I can be there in a heartbeat if you need ANYTHING!

Michelle said...

You're right. It doesn't get easier, but the pain eases a little bit. Not one day goes by that I don't wish my Mom were still here. It's just so hard.

Rhonda said...

I know what you mean. Even after 21 and a half years, I still miss my dad.

If you need *anything* you know where I am.

Lisa said...

Dolores I've been thinking of you all day. Words can't express how sorry I am that you're hurting. I haven't been in your place with a parent and I'm not even sure what to say other than I'm holding you in my heart today and hope tomorrow is better. If you need anything I'm just a phone call away.

(((Hugs)))

Lisa

Alyson & Ford said...

When I think of my Mom, now I can smile. I even laugh out loud some times thinking of something she said or did. I treasure those moments. I like remembering my mom because those memories are what keeps her alive in my heart. I enjoy sharing those times with others because each time someone tells their story - it helps me "see" her, "hear" her and be near. The beauty is now you will take that same love and share it and wrap it around your little one. I'm glad you shared this about your mother...if only because it selfishly allowed me to think of my own mother.

Peace
fm

LIZ said...

Dolores, so sorry you are hurting so much. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

i-Con said...

Thinking of you..you're in my heart.

Tracey & Mike said...

I understand. My thoughts are with you. Wishing I could give you a big hug.
xo

jaj said...

Remembering with you...

Michael & Tammy said...

Oh Dolores I feel for you, I fortunatley still have my mom but I can't even handle to think of the day that I won't so I just don't know how you do it. Know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you a big hug.

redmaryjanes said...

I'm so sorry honey. It is very hard and I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but it doesn't. I think it's even tougher when the babies come. I have taken each one to my Mother's grave when they were born. I will take Sophia too when she comes. It's such a huge loss.
Bug hug.

Made in China said...

((HUG))

Donna Paonessa said...

I'm so sorry Dolores.

MotherMotherOcean said...

It doesnt need to get easier. It just needs to evolve. With time, she will find a new place within your heart and your family. And that will be okay too.

Mark said...

Thinking of you

BIG HUGS

Catherine said...

((hugs))

Jill and Jaap said...

Haven't been on in awhile...saw your post today, just wanted to send you a hug, and let you know that I am thinking of you.

Doris & Dan said...

Your words touched me. I wish I could help take away your pain.

Hugs.